Revamping and Broken Relationships

The other day I spent some time looking back over my blog. What fun I had with this thing! I started blogging because my friends Charmaine, Sherry, and Laurie were doing it and it was a good way to keep up with them. I can't believe how much my life and my relationships have changed since my maiden entry. I look back over the blog and my life (at least the past two years) is branded here, even in the parts you can't see because I've deleted them. There are long spaces of time I went without blogging because what I was going through at the time was just too painful and if I can't be real, I'd rather not have a voice at all.

I've been trying to put into words how it feels to be married, then not married, then married again...I feel like over the past 3 and 1/2 years, I have had to learn to be three different people. I've led three different lives in such a short period of time. The core of who I am is the same, but I'm different. The way people relate to me is different. The way I relate to others is different. The thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis are different. It's just weird. I would love to come up with a more eloquent way of saying what I'm feeling...but for now "It's just weird." will have to do. I get these profound thoughts on the matter and they escape me before I have a chance to spell it out. I'm sure one day I'll read a book and say, "Yep, that's how I felt."

Note to self: Remember that the word "weird" is one of those words that defies the "i" before "e" except after "c" rule...stop spelling it incorrectly.

Anyway, in the revamping, once again of my life, I have revamped this blog. Stickers is still here somewhere in this compilation of the person I now am, but there's someone new budding, too. Someone God is rebuilding, or renovating, or revamping...I'm not sure what he's doing. It hurts and feels good all at the same time. I just really want a journal. There are very few minutes of the day I have to sit and reflect on how I'm feeling or what the heck is going on, but I think it's important and I applaud others who can do it.

Note to self: Don't be afraid to be real. If there's a thought that's nagging you or reoccurring, even if it keeps escaping, take a minute and think it through and pray about it.

One thing that has changed are my friendships. I have three relationships with close friends that have taken a turn I never would have expected. When I have a burst of emotional upheaval in my soul, God reminds me that he is in control...He has a reason in all the changes I have gone through, in my person and my relationships with other people...One day we will all be able to look back and say "Ah ha. That's what he was doing." I've learned one if not many lessons...the greatest is learning how to love others even when your relationship with them isn't the way you want it to be...The second greatest is that I have to set back and let God do the work. Even though things don't seem right in my eyes, I have peace. It's the only thing that is keeping me from running head first into a let's fix this workshop.

Note to self: All things can be fixed, but sometimes you aren't gonna be the one who fixes them. Somethings need to be completely broken so that God can rebuild them the way he wants them to be. Somethings needed to be broken so that God can take you in a new direction.

smooch