My Children Are My Memorial Stones

Today is my Katie's fourth birthday. How did we get here? This is our first official photograph together. I always say that Katie is my hug from God. And that is what she truly is. This girl is such a blessing to everyone who crosses her path. She smiles and gives a thumbs up to strangers in the grocery store. She tells those who visit our home, "I love you!" and means it. At such a young age, I can see God using her to love on others and encourage them!

This is the most memorable snap I took of her in the hospital. At one day old she was already engaging with those around her.
First bath...She knows what she likes...and what she DOESN'T like! She still makes this exact face!

This is one of my all time favorite pictures of Katie. It shows her independence and spunk!

Our most recent photo together. Just an hour after giving birth to Henry. She wasn't too sure of the situation. Mostly, she wanted to make sure that she and I were okay...We are okay!

Katie represents to me a time that was filled with God's love and miracles in my life. Just thinking about this today, made me realize that God has moved in defining ways in each arrival of all of my children. To me it seems as though the people around me took the time to get it together before having kids. God used my kids to force me to get it together and marked each "space" in my time with His grace. With Calla's arrival I was eventually marked Maturity and Responsibility (or at least the beginnings of the process). With Molly-Contentment. With Teige-Brokenness, then Boldness. Katie-Joy and Faith. Henry-Peace, Love, and Obedience.

About a month ago, Molly and I were reading through the book of Joshua. Each time I read it I am particularly draw to the passage in chapters 3 and 4 about how the Children of Israel placed markers in the Jordan as a testimony to what the Lord their God had done for them. So, that the generations that would come after them would not forget. Whenever I read this I think, "It would be neat if I could have some sort of monument to the Lord that would testify what He has done in my life." This morning when I was thinking about Katie's birth and the circumstances surrounding her arrival, it dawned on me the sovereignty of the Lord with each child's appearance in my life. Praise God! He is Good! When I look at them I know I will never forget what He has done for me. What He has brought me out of and through. Where He has placed my feet now.

I love you, my children. Happy Birthday, Katie...my hug from God.

smooch

Revamping and Broken Relationships

The other day I spent some time looking back over my blog. What fun I had with this thing! I started blogging because my friends Charmaine, Sherry, and Laurie were doing it and it was a good way to keep up with them. I can't believe how much my life and my relationships have changed since my maiden entry. I look back over the blog and my life (at least the past two years) is branded here, even in the parts you can't see because I've deleted them. There are long spaces of time I went without blogging because what I was going through at the time was just too painful and if I can't be real, I'd rather not have a voice at all.

I've been trying to put into words how it feels to be married, then not married, then married again...I feel like over the past 3 and 1/2 years, I have had to learn to be three different people. I've led three different lives in such a short period of time. The core of who I am is the same, but I'm different. The way people relate to me is different. The way I relate to others is different. The thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis are different. It's just weird. I would love to come up with a more eloquent way of saying what I'm feeling...but for now "It's just weird." will have to do. I get these profound thoughts on the matter and they escape me before I have a chance to spell it out. I'm sure one day I'll read a book and say, "Yep, that's how I felt."

Note to self: Remember that the word "weird" is one of those words that defies the "i" before "e" except after "c" rule...stop spelling it incorrectly.

Anyway, in the revamping, once again of my life, I have revamped this blog. Stickers is still here somewhere in this compilation of the person I now am, but there's someone new budding, too. Someone God is rebuilding, or renovating, or revamping...I'm not sure what he's doing. It hurts and feels good all at the same time. I just really want a journal. There are very few minutes of the day I have to sit and reflect on how I'm feeling or what the heck is going on, but I think it's important and I applaud others who can do it.

Note to self: Don't be afraid to be real. If there's a thought that's nagging you or reoccurring, even if it keeps escaping, take a minute and think it through and pray about it.

One thing that has changed are my friendships. I have three relationships with close friends that have taken a turn I never would have expected. When I have a burst of emotional upheaval in my soul, God reminds me that he is in control...He has a reason in all the changes I have gone through, in my person and my relationships with other people...One day we will all be able to look back and say "Ah ha. That's what he was doing." I've learned one if not many lessons...the greatest is learning how to love others even when your relationship with them isn't the way you want it to be...The second greatest is that I have to set back and let God do the work. Even though things don't seem right in my eyes, I have peace. It's the only thing that is keeping me from running head first into a let's fix this workshop.

Note to self: All things can be fixed, but sometimes you aren't gonna be the one who fixes them. Somethings need to be completely broken so that God can rebuild them the way he wants them to be. Somethings needed to be broken so that God can take you in a new direction.

smooch

Oh, Joy! Keep it!

Today I feel such contentment.

Peacefulness.

Purpose.

Over the past seven months, I have experience a whirlwind of events which has lead me right where am today. Contentment, peacefulness, and purpose. I have learned so many little secrets of the Lord that I'm just tickled to tears. I have been through so many trials, during which God whispered in my ear, "Watch this. Did you catch that? Do you see what I have done for you? I love you." He really does work all things for the "good" of those who are called according to his purpose. By "good" He means our righteousness. And what is our righteousness? It's not our works. It's not our character. It's not even our obedience. It's our FAITH. Faith is the single thing that will catapult you right into the center of JOY. Hmmm...and I thought I could just read a couple of books and get there... Nicky, remember this mountaintop. The next valley doesn't have to seem as low if you will just remain in this Faith.

Note to self:
Get plates for the van
Write doctor's appointments on the calender before throwing away the card.

smooch

Mission Statements

I am compelled to read the mission statements of various companies and institutions. I encourage most of you to read The Vision Forum's mission statement (link to come). My assessment of what is worthy and like minded in a church is derived directly from their mission statement. Once, I heard that it would be a wise thing for homeschooling families to make a mission statement for their schools/families. I believed this to be an excellent activity to curtail the exact focus and path one's family should set upon.


Life gets dicey...Oh my, does it ever, and what do you do when you are steeped in the boiling waters of your circumstances? I recently have been through some added trials of relational conflict in which I must say that I did not handle in the way I would if I could turn back time. You can't turn back. You only have NOW. This minute. This second. Think fast...Quick...I'm not always good at that. I'm more analytical, more calculated. I don't always perform well in the minute, in the second, and for that fact, I am typically lenient and forgiving in others who have my same shortcomings. My children for example, often receive ample warning when they're attitudes are off-kiltered. In my recent struggles I thought, I'm a Christian, Why did I react that way?...Why do I act out in fear?...Why do I act out in pain?...How can I change this about myself? Self-reflection is one of the things I strive for...Ignorance is bliss...but then I would be just that...Ignorant, if I didn't constantly look and ask myself: What is truth here?...What did I do wrong?...What could I have done better?...What can I do to change the situation?...What do I need to now accept?...How can I have more intuition with the type of person I am dealing with?...How does the Bible say to handle different catagories of people?

And after my latest struggle, I ask myself: How would I react differently if I had a mission statement for my life? In asking myself that, as a Christian, I wonder what my reactions would be if my mission statement was comprised totally of God's Holy Scripture. It is a goal of mine over the next couple of months to search the Word that I have hid in my heart and make them my missions statement.  I look forward expectantly to what the Lord molds my mission statement into in the next few weeks.

smooch

How does one choose Joy?

Choose Joy? I wanna know how this works exactly. I know when I've experience Joy, I've known and seen the difference between it and it's worldly counterpart, happiness. Happiness happens whenever everything is going great-when the house is clean and the kids are clean and the boyfriend is doting and the arguments between friends are forgotten and when you've had a really good glass of wine and you've had a good bowel movement for the day. [I had to lighten the mood a little] But what about when your life is out of control, when you think that if you could just stop spinning you might be able to catch your breath, but instead find yourself vomiting violently?  I'm searching...Show me, Lord.

smooch

You Say Strength is found in weakness...

This line, from my favorite Starfield song...has re-playing in my head again and again over the past month. I've been really pondering strength and weakness.
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Have you ever noticed that others expect you to be the strongest when you want to be the weakest? And then turn around to view you as weak when you want them to notice how strong you are? But strength is not in the eye of the beholder as beauty may be. Strength and resolve come from something inside. Our words and actions may be a good indicator to others of how strong we are at the time or while in certain circumstances, but they don't show the seed of capability that is within the constitution of every human God created. A seed that is only cultivated in our weakest days.

I am weak. Yesterday might have been the darkest day I have experienced in about two months. I cried out to the Father for strength and still didn't get a good foothold. I needed a breath and the air didn't come. It has always been the pattern in my walk with the Lord that the greatest defeats come before the greatest Joy and yet, I'm still surprised when it happens. We flippantly sing, many a Sunday morn, "The Joy of the Lord is My Strength." Stop and examine what you're singing. How wonderfully true these words ring out. For me that Joy is revealed most through trials...through moments of weakness. I count it all Joy to be weak for I know that Joy comes in the morning and my strength will come when I wait for it. He promised that to us, so count on it. God moved through this house last night and brought with Him the Joy and strength I needed after a day of disparity. Once again, I was as surprise as could be...Why? He promised me. Why am I always surprised? I imagine the Father watching me as my mother used to watch me when I was opening a Christmas present she promised me I wasn't getting.

I'm getting ready to do a study on Joy...If any of you have some favorite verses or literature on this, I would love to hear from you.
smooch

If Only I Knew The Way To Go

Reason, rhyming, seeking, not finding

Sitting, waiting, with a heart of minding

Going this way and taking that turn

If only I knew the way to go

Immobile, unmoving, timid, it's binding
The puddle surrounding is ever reminding
Stepping backwards? Your approval to earn
If only I knew the way to go

Waiting and waiting, again with the waiting
Impatient, enduring, turned apathy sedating
Once more forward with more than concern
If only I knew the way to go

Up in the air with significant debating
Your opinion, the only sound and just rating
Unless you take my hand, it's hard to discern
If only you'd tell me the way to go

~ndc 10/08

smooch